Wednesday, 13 June 2012

Depression Sucks

A few precious moments aside, I have had an AWFUL couple of weeks. Depression is a bitch who doesn't know when to quit. Even when there is nothing outwardly different from any other time, something inside just flipped, and I've had an extremely hard time enjoying anything. 

Indigo had her first birthday, which was great. I'd love to write about it - in fact, I've sat down most days to write about her, but as much as I love her, the words just aren't coming. Rest assured it won't be forever, but it makes it very difficult to write when emotions basically just block off my brain from functioning. I just want to feel "normal", whatever that is, so I can get on with my life.

Also, SO sick of being given depression-related advice. I've had depression for as long as I can remember - I wasn't diagnosed or anything, but shrinks have told me that from my descriptions it's likely I've had depression since I was quite a young child. I don't even REMEMBER how to think happy thoughts half of the time, or remember what happiness feels like, and no matter how many people tell me to "snap out of it", or give me advice, all it does is grate against me and make me feel worse.

Want to help someone with depression? DON'T tell them you know exactly how to "fix" the problem that has been bothering them their entire life. Yoga? Cashews?  These are lovely things, but I for one have never found them much help dealing with my own problems, and I resent the idea that after being alive for 25 years, I wouldn't have thought of something as simple as "take some deep breaths". Fuck, really? You think I haven't tried that, fifty thousand times a day, for 25 years?! I'm not stupid, I just have had a bit of a messed up life, and I'm doing my absolute best to be the best person I can be...I just have depression too.

I understand people "just want to help", but I TELL them how they can help - just being there. Talking to me. Coming to visit to save me from my own brain. Unfortunately in this digital age, people would rather give unwanted advice or ignore the negatives until things turn positive again instead of putting in effort. Or tell me that professional help is what I need.  I KNOW that I need company and friends, not professionals who are paid to listen to me, real friends - I need to feel BETTER, not worse! I guess it grates against me. The way I live my life? EVERYTHING I do gets 100% of my energy and effort. It's just the way I am - I haven't always been this way, but it's the culmination of trying to be everything for everyone. It's fucking hard work, and I don't think people even realise I'm doing it. Maybe I'd have less of a problem if I wasn't trying so hard, but I don't know how to do 50%.

I hope I haven't offended the few people who HAVE been instrumental in helping me not go insane these past few weeks. You know who you are, I've probably thanked you profusely. I just don't want people to trivialise my problems because depression is so common, or because someone else managed to solve all their problems with magic beans or whatever.

Depression sucks. It sucks the life right out of you and leaves you feeling worthless and useless. Such a debilitating problem with almost no physical manifestation, except that I've been losing weight too fast. I guess most people would be happy about that, but I think I'd rather be fat and happy than thin and miserable - not that I seem to be given a choice (misery seems the side-order regardless of the main course). I wish medication was anything other than a short-term solution, because I'd LOVE it if I could just take a pill and BAM! Problem solved! Unfortunately, every time I've taken the medication route advised by medical/mental health professionals I've just needed to almost constantly up the dose, so I'd prefer to just be miserable and NOT on drugs. 

Now Indy is awake, so I'll end this miserable rant. Just letting you all know I'm not dead.


  1. Hey Beatrix. Wanted to say something but wasn't sure quite what. I guess that I get what you're trying to say with this post. Thanks for reminding us how to be a bit more sensitive and gentle with each other. It sounds like you're doing a super amazing job despite feeling crap and that is really really hard. To keep it together and make nice when you feel like exploding tornados or tears or screams. I hope you do feel better soon.

    1. Thank you. I'm out of the woods for the time being, I think. Thanks for thinking of me xo

  2. Thank you so much for sharing that with us. I really hope things start to feel better quickly.